How to Break the News of a Divorce to your Kids
When a couple decides to get a divorce, the decision has to be explained to their kids in the most clear and simple way. While it’s never easy for a child to learn about their parents' divorce, there are steps you can take to help your children understand what's going on and deal with their emotions in a healthy manner. Here's what you should do and say when you decide to tell your kids that you're getting a divorce.
Plan What to Say
Take some time to think about how you want to break things to your children. As with any message, think through what you’re trying to communicate. Is it important that they understand why their parents got divorced? Or do you simply want them to know that their family is not going away, but will instead change? How much information is too much for them right now, and when can they expect answers? Keep in mind that young children will have limited ability to process new information (particularly if they are very young), so be sure to find ways to connect your explanation back to things they already know, like school or home life.
Use a Non-Blaming Narrative
Explain that although you and their parent no longer love each other, you both still love them. Let your children know that it's not their fault and that they didn't do anything wrong. Explain that despite what happened, it's very important for them to have both of their parents in their lives moving forward. State specifically how often they will be seeing each parent moving forward and make sure both parents are on board with these plans before you finalize anything with either party.
Explain What Will Be the Same and What Will Change
Parents always want their children to understand that despite changing family circumstances, their love for them is undiminished. However, it may be easier said than done. As parents you should try their best to maintain consistency in terms of discipline and household rules after a divorce, but you also want your kids to know what they can expect - will they stay in the same house, same school. What should they expect for parenting time with the other parent and where will it occur.
Give them Time to Adjust
No matter how you handle it, news of divorce can be incredibly difficult for children. Give them some time and space to adjust before jumping into details. If you wait until it’s time for bed and tell them that mommy and daddy are getting divorced, it could be more stressful than necessary. It’s important to give them time to adjust—the same for doing it right before school. Think of a time and place where they can have time to process their emotions and not be rushed to do go somewhere or do something else right after the news.
Reassure them that they're Still Loved No Matter what Happens
Remind your kids that they are still loved, even if you’re not living together. The divorce may mean that they have to divide their time between two homes instead of one, but it doesn’t change their status as children. Tell them No matter what happens, you both will always love and support them.
Buy some Books about Divorce for your Kids
Books are one way to open up communication about divorce in a non-threatening way. Though it’s important not to force children into conversations, reading some books together—particularly with younger kids—is one way for you and your child or children to start talking about what’s going on. Books can help reassure kids that they aren’t alone in their feelings, and will give you great prompts for having conversations together. Some we recommend are:
What in the World Do You Do When Your Parents Divorce? A Survival Guide for Kids